BrianBM

Advice for Married Men at Christmas

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I've done this awhile, being married at Christmas I mean. There are people here who are relative beginners, and we have some posters who haven't taken the plunge yet. If you qualify under either label, this is for you.

 

1. Gift giving starts with the card. The Christmas card you give your wife is very important, very very very important. She will scrutinize it like a crime scene examiner. She will miss nothing. Heaven forgive you if you forget the card, 'cause she will not.

 

2. There is a right way and a wrong way to choose a card. Just because the card says "To my Dearest Wife, yada yada .... don't think it is good enough.  To find the right card, follow the flies. The right card is so overloaded with saccharine sentimentality that passing flies go into a diabetic coma and fall dead on the floor. You think it reads like a caricature of a script from a soap opera? She doesn't. Find the dead flies, buy the card. The more complicated the printing, the gaudier it is, the better she likes it.

 

3. Gift giving is tricky. You're male, so you want to will leave it for the last minute. You will then be trampled by hordes of charging women at the mall. Men barely know where any store is. Women know where every store is, and where every item is on the shelf. If you stop moving in the last week's rush of holiday shopping, you will be trampled to death. Thank Heaven for the Internet. A prudent man knows his wife's ring size, and whether she likes lever back earrings, or something else. Clothing is tricky because (depending on the woman) she may tell you the size that she wore ten years ago. Do NOT shop at Victoria's Secret, or the local Adult Products emporium.

 

4.  Humor has a limited place in gift-giving. Every year I go down to the cellar, find a plug that's NIB, and wrap it. (This year she's getting a MagnaStrike Predator, a plug I really, really, really wish was still in production.) This will earn me a flat stare for a moment, before she giggles. If you do this sort of thing, you'd better have enough authentic Girl Toys to be forgiven the interruption.

 

5.  Women use some expressions that men have to learn to understand. When she says "Do what you want," she means "You'll pay for this later."  Most men get that. For Christmas, the expression you want to elicit is "Oh, you shouldn't have done that," in a breathy tone. A prudent man translates that as "Dodged a bullet there, Buster." If more seasonal expressions associated with women come to mind, I will be back to post them.

 

6. She's going to ask, in the pre-Christmas season, if you've started shopping yet. Don't disregard the hint. Get your ass in motion.  My wife is never not shopping for Christmas, but usually waits for Thanksgiving to ask if I've started shopping yet. That's not actually too early, so turn off the TV (the Jets don't bear watching, really) and go shop.

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We gave up gift giving years ago.  If she wants something she goes and buys it, if I want something I go and buy it.  This way everyone is happy.  Our gift to each other is travel that we both get to enjoy.  Sadly covid is getting in the way of our trip to the islands this winter 

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16 mins ago, Foureel said:

We gave up gift giving years ago.  If she wants something she goes and buys it, if I want something I go and buy it.  This way everyone is happy.  Our gift to each other is travel that we both get to enjoy.  Sadly covid is getting in the way of our trip to the islands this winter 

Thats what we do now easier. 

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1 hour ago, BrianBM said:

There are people here who are relative beginners, and we have some posters who haven't taken the plunge yet. If you qualify under either label, this is for you.

Thank you, Brian.  Your post is sage advice.  It's tongue in cheek, but as they say, many a true word is spoken in jest.  (Especially recommendations #1 and #2). 

 

If SOL husbands can successfully navigate the Christmas obstacle course, then they'll hear the "Do what you want" phrase less frequently.  Hearing "Do what you want" less often paradoxically means that you can probably do what you want more often. 

 

For SOL husbands, that often means fishing.  So in the end, Brian's Christmas Navigation Advice actually Helps SOL Members to Catch More Fish.

Q.E.D.

Merry Christmas!

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1 hour ago, Foureel said:

We gave up gift giving years ago.  If she wants something she goes and buys it, if I want something I go and buy it.  This way everyone is happy.  Our gift to each other is travel that we both get to enjoy.  Sadly covid is getting in the way of our trip to the islands this winter 

Same here. Merry Christmas to all

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I guess I am lucky . My Wife hates me and has for the last 39 years . I havent been in a store at Christmas in over 40 years ( dating years ) , I buy what I want and I dont know what she gets . Then the Girls get everything . My Wife Loves Them !

 

 Ok so I get to Fish on Christmas Eve and Day ! I am Lucky !

 

Merry Christmas Brian et al .

 

Edited by chris L

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This is really good advice for the younger gents.  I know plenty of men that will buy their wife a vacuum for Christmas, or a washing machine for Valentine’s Day. This is bad......very bad. Those are things you need anyway so they are not gifts. There must always be a gift that is just for the lady of your life. 

 

A slightly older friend/coworker has a great analogy for marriage. He calls it the “emotional bank account”. You want to make deposits so there is something to cushion you when you mess up or want to go fishing. In other words.....you want to stay in the black and never dare to go into the red. Its a good philosophy. I had been practicing it all along unknowingly. 

For instance......Where I work, every 5 years it is considered a milestone anniversary and you are given a catalog to select a gift for your service. I bring it home and tell the little woman to pick something out. One of my younger coworkers said that wasn’t fair......why should she get the gift and not you? That’s when my buddy chimed in and told us the emotional bank account theory.  He told me I was playing it intelligently. When I want to go fishing I just go and there is no fuss made. My younger coworker ended up getting married.....and it was over in less than a year. Acts of unselfishness are what makes a woman respect you as her partner. Why? Because she reads that as you caring about her. 

Edited by aae0130

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1 hour ago, Foureel said:

We gave up gift giving years ago.  If she wants something she goes and buys it, if I want something I go and buy it.  This way everyone is happy.  Our gift to each other is travel that we both get to enjoy.  Sadly covid is getting in the way of our trip to the islands this winter 

Same here , but we’re still going to our winter HQ in Kona. F the Wuhan virus. And a very Merry Christmas one and all

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We stopped giving the kind of presents which get unwrapped, to each other, years ago.

If she wants something and we can afford it, it’s hers.

Same thing for me.

The real gift, which we share, is the time we spend together.

34 years an counting for Wifey and me.

I hope that we can  do another 34.

The only thing I will ever ask her for is more time with her and our sons.

There is nothing more precious to me and no greater gift  than that.

 

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1 hour ago, Foureel said:

We gave up gift giving years ago.  If she wants something she goes and buys it, if I want something I go and buy it.  This way everyone is happy.  Our gift to each other is travel that we both get to enjoy.  Sadly covid is getting in the way of our trip to the islands this winter 

This is what we typically do. Gifts can be nice but we really enjoy an experience as a gift. We find the memories we make while on a trip are more valuable than most gifts we can afford. Obviously covid screwed this up this year so she's getting a margarita machine, tequila,xtra tuff boots and a yeti cooler

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