fishingnuke

Best Crapping story

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I forgot the time we were going to Green Harbor Mass for Cod. I made so many stops on the side of the road that on the next one I was going to have to use my socks!

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Had the Green Apple Quickstep mighty urgent one time at 5AM on my then weekly commute from Worcester, MA. to Wall Street on a Monday morning.

 

Dudes, I was touching cloth...bad! So I gun it - I"m freak'n FLYING down 84 in Mass, just before CT border. I'm feeling REALLY bad - but not a soul on the road and I know exit 2 has a nice rest stop and it's about 2 miles away. I can make it.... I cane make it... 75.... 80....hold at 90...

 

LIGHTS BEHIND ME! Slow to 65... maybe it wasn't me. Puuuuuuuuuuuleeeeeeeeeeez... of course it's me... it's 5AM, I'm the only one here... sure enough. Comes to the window - I'm breaking sweat, I got the flu or something and it HURTS, open window:

 

"I'm sorry, I know you are going to tell me I was speeding, but I have what's amounting to an emergency... I have the **** REALLY BAD, I'm in a lot of pain here..."

 

"Sir, you don't look so good."

 

"I feel worse, at this point can you just write the ticket and let me go up in the woods here, I have paper towels in the trunk."

 

"If you step out of the car, I have to frisk you."

 

"Understood - that's a lot risk for you right now, just so YOU undrestand, I"m not making this up."

 

He frisks me - lightly. I grab paper towels and run into woods. He goes back into his car and writes up ticket. I'm guessing he's calling his buddies laughing his ass off - I didn't care, since my ass was about to blow off. I'm done - I feel a lot better, but I'm really embarasssed and feverish, sweats, etc. shaking, dehydrated I'm sure.

 

Back in my car - feels good to sit down. Knock on window - flashlight on glass...

 

"Ok, Mike, how you feeling?"

 

"Mediocre at best, can we conclude this and I can just go back home?"

 

"Well, you're REALLY gonna $h!t when you hear this..."

 

Uh oh.

 

"This ticket is $400. Driving to endanger, ..."

 

"OH MAN... I don't really care, I'll deal with that later, I feel awful." (I did).

 

"Kidding Mike, I wrote you a warning, be careful going home, or just go up to the rest stop and wait till you feel better."

 

Still not sure if he was a prick, or the best Statie around wink.gif

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I hope Iam allowed 2 entry here,cause I love this one.

 

My wife has this friend that had to have a crap out in public somewheres and the girls room was out of order.She had to go bad enough that she went to the guys,thinking that there dosnt seem to be many people around anyways.I guess that she musta had this monster-man sized log that would only wave at ya when trying to flush it.Being a gurl,she was afraid that if she left it there,someone would come in right after her and know that it was her's.So she took some paper and laid out the log and in both hands she left her stall to put it the garbage.Just got out when in walks some guy with her standing in the middle of the room.Neither said anything.

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I hope Iam allowed 2 entry here,cause I love this one.

 

see, now this is one of those threads where I'm proud to see so much representation by the gals. icon14.gif thanks Mike!

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Years ago I had to get rid of a dozen or so dead car batteries from my parents celler. Being young I didn't want to and went at the job pissed slamming batteries into a wheelbarrow. I slammed a fingernail between two batteries producing a nice undernail hemorage Yeoooww!! I burnt a hole to let the blood out and knocked back a few Large 151 proof rum & cokes to ease the pain. The next day in work I'm killing people with hot burning stenchgas and laughing. So the forman (green & gagging) sent me up a few floors to work by myself. I strained against a heavy load and shot a steaming fluid down my white pants leg right to my socks. ***** says I and was right. This floor literally was wide open just exterior walls. The sheetrock, studs and joint compound stacked neatly. I cracked a 5 gallon pail of joint compound scooped out a good bit and deposited a goodly amount of fluid that would kill a maggot. I then covered it up with the previously removed compound and put the lid back on. I put this bucket a few deep & down in the stack with the rest. About a week later on the same job I hear a LOT of swearing in French. It seems that some guy puked on another while working with the mud. A good scoop of mistery mud next to a spray of puke next to a blood trail.......... gee I wonder what that was all about ?

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Oh boy...here we go. After gulping down tons of cheap beer with the boys after work...I meet the wife at the Stock and Tankard Saloon on Lexington Ave. (now closed with good reason) We both order the chicken fried steaks, and my wife (sober at the time) begins to grimace and says that we need to send the food back because the steak tastes rancid. I have already eaten mine in about 3 bites, and being the dumb and beligerent drunk that I am, call her a pansy, and eat her steak as well as my own.

So we head home and I pass out...then the alarm goes off at 4am....get my fishing gear, and I am off to meet Bluefish..and a few other guys on the Cock Robin for some fishing.

Take the truck out of the garage on 34th street...and by the time I am driving toward the entrance of the Lincoln tunnel...I am farting and can hear my stomach grumbling above the radio. By the time I am in tunnel I have the cold sweats...and I am clenching the steering wheel with white knuckles.

For some reason I think I can make it to the rest stop on the Turnpike....not happening.

As I refuse to blow mud in my own truck...I blow thru the toll... and hop the curb and drive my truck up onto the grass about 50yds south of the toll plaza. At which point in a panic..with no cover...I run and grab the cyclone fence, lean my keister back and blow a pile of mud bigger than those giant ant mounds of Austraila. icon25.gif

So now of course..what do we wipe with...for the first time I can't find trash on the turnpike when I need it. So I cut the bottom of my shirt off with my fillet knife and clean up..blow mud again...cut a little more shirt...then by the time I am done...my shirt is now a halter top, about the same level as my nipples.

So being a fisherman..I continue down to Pt.Pleasant...and jump out of my truck behind the Cock Robin in my new halter top with everyone looking at my like I am a cross-dresser. I would say the looks I got on the people on the boat were worse than dropping my pants in full view of the toll plaza on the turnpike.

Unfortunately for me, I have 20 stories like this.

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I have lots of my own stories but I'll give you a call my partner and I had. We were dispatched to some type of disturbance at the local IGA grocery store. We kinda took our time getting there and missed all the action. The manager says that a well dressed older white couple came in and asked for the restroom. Now for whatever reason they told the couple no we don't have a bathroom. Well that didn't stop the guy. Oh no he walked right over to the deli department dropped his pants and crapped out right there in the aisle in a small garbage can! He did this in full view of everyone. He cleaned up with some napkins then took the garbage bag outside and threw it in another can. The happy couple beat feet out of there. I sh@t you not. We wrote the report just as it was told.

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Try these for creative crapping enjoyment biggrin.gif (honestly I've never done any but know people who have) redface.gif :

 

Dry dock: Reach down behind the toliet and turn off the water to the bowl, then flush. Proceed to crap in dry toliet. Next person has to bend over and put their face adjacent to the bowl to get the water back on.

 

Upper Deck: Remove lid to tank if toliet has one. Proceed to crap in upper tank verses the bowl. Next flush will result in crap water into bowl. wink.gif

 

Hide and Seek: Crap on paper towel and place turd up inside bathroom hand dryer vent. Next person gets turd air from the hand dryer. Added bonus: Turd flies out of blower into unsuspecting hands. cwm31.gif

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I knew a girl who had a virus so bad, I mean so bad, it was coming out both ends in a practically uncontrolled manner. She had no choice but to crawl into a bathtube nude to contain both the vomit and diarrhea and just ride it out, I kid you not.

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