BrianBM

New Platform for SOL coming; joke consequences

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On 4/10/2017 at 9:51 PM, BrianBM said:

As most posters here have probably noticed, TimS is planning another change of platform.  Huddler, vBulletin, none of them earn his affection for long.  I think he gets unhappy when he has no reason to pull his hair out. 

 

As long-time posters know, this Forum has always required a joke from new posters.  Failure to tell one can result in knot failure, wind loops, and (for repeat offenders) breaking wind in the presence of attractive women, all of which can be visited upon the noncompliant by myself as Moderator in this Forum (only this one; the sanction app has been buggy, and it hasn't been extended to other Forums.)  Normally the IRS deadline of April 15 is the deadline, though this year it was moved to April 18.  With the usual month's grace period, if you are new here and have not yet submitted a joke, your deadline is May 18.

 

The relevance of this is that with the new platform, some of these sanctions will be automated, and I'm not sure if I can override the application if you don't get it done.  I'll pin this warning up for awhile, so everyone notices.  If you're a new guy, pay attention.

 

It so happens that I have an immediate need for jokes I can tell to two bright third graders, one male and one female.  I therefore request that posters in this thread supply me with age-appropriate humor for that generation.

I ain't telling no stoopid JOKE and I'll fart any place I please, even upwind.

 

carpet-smell.png

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Got this from a friend

 

 One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in  the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching  him. 
    
After a long period of silence she finally said,  "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time
you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection and your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment. 
       
Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?  He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting
to sound like my ex-wife! "Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" 
 
Tom replied,"I wasn't."

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1 hour ago, bonefishdick said:

Got this from a friend

 

 One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in  the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching  him. 
    
After a long period of silence she finally said,  "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time
you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection and your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment. 
       
Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?  He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting
to sound like my ex-wife! "Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" 
 
Tom replied,"I wasn't."

As one of our resident Angler Emerituses (Emereti?), TimS and I long ago agreed that you would be exempt from the automated knot-failure .exe that runs on the tackle of participants in this Forum.  Your contribution is nonetheless valued. 

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16 mins ago, BrianBM said:

As one of our resident Angler Emerituses (Emereti?), TimS and I long ago agreed that you would be exempt from the automated knot-failure .exe that runs on the tackle of participants in this Forum.  Your contribution is nonetheless valued. 

if only my knots could read :naughty:

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A preacher loved to play golf. After a stretch of inclement weather the first good weather day was forecasted to be on a Sunday. Well, he had a congregation to tend to, so he was a bit agitated. On Saturday, he decided to call in sick and arrang for a substitute preacher to handle his duties. 

 

Sunday morning found him him on the golf course enjoying his round. On a short par four, he made his first hole in one!  St. Peter, who was watching the preacher play, asked God:  “How could you let him get his first hole in one knowing he lied about being sick and skipped church to play?”

 

God answered St. Peter “Who is he going to tell?”

 

Thank you, I will be here all week. Try the veal. 

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A local poacher sneaked down to the Spey one evening and caught a fine fresh run salmon.

Just as he was packing up, the (English) landowner arrived and challenged his legality. The Scotsman argued that the Spey ran through his village so the fish were his to catch. The English landowner argued that he had bought the rights to all fishing on that beat.

The argument grew fierce until the Scotsman said ...

"OK, we'll settle this in the traditional Highland way. I'll kick you in the giblets and then you kick me in the giblets. The man still standing keeps the salmon".

Not wanting to dispute tradition, The Englishman reluctantly agreed.

The poacher took a fine swing and watched the Englishman's eyes water as he doubled over.

After a few minutes, the Englishman straightened up and said "OK ... it is my turn now."

At which point the canny Scotsman said

"Ye can keep yer *!^%ing salmon".

 

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Entirely acceptable. Veeray, JMB, you may proceed in the happy knowledge that you will never experience the malevolent effects of knotfail.exe or breakwind.exe. 

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1 hour ago, davidbeinct said:

Did you hear about the guy who froze to -273.15°C?

 

Don’t worry, he’s 0K. 

Conversion jokes might be a little too scientific for this crowd....like it just the same.  Last time I said the word Kelvin 45 years ago :)

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

 

FT

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So the sheriff in a small town arrests a rapist and a thief but the prison is too crowded to lock them up. Since the town is a little short on money, the sheriff comes up with a plan to punish these two miscreants. He sets up two areas where the townspeople can come and either kick the rapist in the junk or hit the thief in the face and pay two dollars to do so. 

As the day goes on, people exact the punishment on the two offenders, but the thief is starting to get pretty beat up. As the last guy approaches, he see's that the thief's face is too busted to really hit anymore, so he kicks him in the nuts. The sheriff gets mad and yells, "No you idiot! This is the punchline!"

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