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TLDig

A Woman's Thoughts at Midnight...

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I fell in love for the first time when I was four. I was at my grandmother's house on the lake and my big brother's were in the backyard fishing. I was fascinated with what they were doing, and being the typical little sister, I wanted to DO what they were doing. They would not let me, however. They said girls didn't fish. I did what I had to do. With tears in my eyes, I ran screaming into the house... "MOOOOOOOMMMMMY!!! They won't let me fish, they said girls can't fish. I wanna FISH!" And then I stuck my lower lip out and crossed my arms across my chest in defiance and stood there waiting for the magical words to ring out across the backyard. "Boys, you let your little sister fish or I'm getting the belt out and you're gonna be sorry!"

 

I walked back into the backyard, defiant. I had won again as I had before and would many other times over the course of my life. Tell ME I can't do something because I'm a girl, will you. Ha! I'll show you. And so the boys climbed off the log that laid over across the water, leaving their gear there and sat at the end of the tree waiting to see if I was going to have the balls to climb out there by myself and once there, to figure out what to do with it all.

 

I had watched them. I knew that you had to put the bread on the hook that was attached to some line and tied to a stick. Then you dropped it in the water and you caught a fish. Simple. Three pieces of bread later I realized that rolling the bread helped. And then it happened. I had one on! I was redeemed! I had won! So why were the boys howling in laughter? I looked down at my bounty, and was immediately in love. I had connected with something from another world. It was amazing. It was beautiful. I would never turn back. Except that the boys were still laughing. "Neener neener! I caught one." The older demon speaks, "Yea, but you must have gotten the smallest fish in the entire lake" and then more howling and throwing themselves onto the ground fighting for air. I turned my back on them, mainly so they wouldn't see my tears and mainly because I was going to show them. I lowered another dough ball into that lake and within seconds had to have on the biggest darned bluegill ever to come out of that lake. "Pfffttttthhhhh" I said. The boys shut up. It was years before I fished with either of them again. But it was too late. I had found love.

 

When I was older, I learned about other kinds of love. Love with boys, you know, once boys weren't ickie anymore. I immediately started looking. The problem was that most of the boys I met didn't fish. How could there be love with a boy if he didn't fish? I didn't understand. I thought to share love, you had to share fish. Eventually, I got a little older and realized that perhaps there was more to this whole love thing than I had realized. By that time, though, I had discovered saltwater fishing and I had little time to look for any other kind of love.

 

When I was a little older than that I started to desire the other kind of love I had heard about in fairy tales, seen on TV, heard about in songs and read in books. Wow, what must that be like? But had I waited too long? I hoped not. I frantically searched. I threw my heart out there wide open often, and often had it broken. I would not give up, though. Whenever things were bad, I would simply seek the comfort of the water and of fishing and I would always remember that it was ok.

 

I married. I divorced. I dated. I dumped. I just could not find the right man. Often times I would think it was perfect. Once I sat on a river in CT with a man who I cared for deeply and who cared for me as well. While fishing one morning, we sat on a rock and watched as the filtered sunlight of dawn coming through the trees over a mystical pool in a river seemed to light the midges on fire, as if they were pixies flitting about. It was one of those magical moments shared by two people and I knew it was love. I turned to him and I looked into his eyes and he had seen it, too. When we got to the top of the hill again, though, the feeling was no longer there. It was not him that I had fallen in love with. Once again it was the river.

 

In Canada there was a man who offered his undying love to me and I opened my heart to it to give it a shot. Our first date led us on to a salmon run and my first step into the river led to my falling in. He reached out and grabbed me and pulled me in. It was so powerful. I stood and looked upon the river that had nearly taken my life, so full of life itself and back at the man who had saved my life, quite possibly and once again, I felt love. Only this time it didn't take getting out of the river to know where my love was directed. I had fallen in love with another river.

 

I fished a day with a wonderful man in FL on the flats, catching fish together, smiling, laughing, truly having a great time. I know he liked me. His friends had already busted him. It was late, though, and we were back at the cars parked along side the canal road and it was dark. A full moon overhead of us and not a soul around. He grabbed his jacket and wrapped it around me and we sat in the grass alongside the canal and talked for a bit. I knew where this was headed and my God did I ever want it to go there. He leaned over to kiss me and that's when I saw it. I turned my head away from his kiss and pointed. There in the canal. It was beautiful. The moon had laid out a reflection of itself in satiny strips of silver upon the dark waters of the canal. And there were tarpon, TARPON! Tarpon that bowed and danced through that satin as if weaving a magical rug out of it. I was in awe. I watched for what seemed like forever until I heard a car start in the distance and my friend leaving. I had lost out on another chance at love again. Or had I?

 

When the towers came down and I woke to hear the news, it was not the love of my family that I sought. Though they were nearby, I only needed to know that they were ok and then I needed to find the love and comfort that I knew would console me. I grabbed a flyrod and walked downstairs, away from the horrifying images on the television and onto the river in the backyard. I had found love. Whenever I am problems, questions or feel alone, I know where to go. I know to go where I feel love, where I feel loved. I have to go to the water. That is where I find my love. My true love.

 

I met a man who said he understood that passion and when we fished together, I could see the passion in his eyes over it. I thought for sure that I had finally met a man with which I could share love. We married on the water. We fished for our honeymoon. We shared a passion for fishing. We shared a passion for being on the water and the beauty that it holds. But then he changed. And he expected me to change. But I had found my one true love, even if it was not in him. I knew, finally, after all of those years of heartache and heartbreak and abuse that I had always known my true love.

 

Some days that makes me happy and some days that makes me sad. It's like finding heaven, but having nobody to share it with. What man on this earth is ever going to provide me with the love I have for the songs of the rivers, the way the river looks early in the morning, sleeping under a blanket of fog? What man is going to comfort me that the way standing in those waders does? What man is going to excite me as much as pulling something out of those waters? What man is going to show me the wonders of the world? What man is going to make me feel love like that? I'm doomed to a life with my rivers, my beaches, my oceans, my lakes, my bayous, lagoons and streams. Doomed to a life alone where there will always be beauty, always be comfort, always be love, acceptance, excitement, joy, life and happiness. Doomed because I'll be there alone.

 

I'm in love with the waters upon which I fish. I did not mean to fall in love with them, but it happened. I was simply looking for love. I am blessed, for I did find love. And for as long as there are bodies of water, I will never have to want for a place to feel loved. And when the time comes, I hope to lie my head down on the body of some water and let it go.... fall into love, forever, finally, completely.

 

It's almost 1 in the morning, I'm up. Got things on my mind. I guess I'm kinda lonely and I wish I could drive... so I could get in my car and drive to the water. But I can't... so you guys get stuck with my thoughts tonight instead. Deal with it. I can never get waters out of my head.

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I often wondered what you guys thought about at midnight, but I am smart enough not to ask. Great stuff but I'm afraid if that were me, I'd either be in a bar or on a psycho's couch. Sounds like the only solution is for you to live on a boat or jern the Navy. Best of luck on your recovery!!

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TLDig - Simply beautiful. I lived with someone many years ago and we knew we were meant to be together. She was younger than I was and her father sabotaged it all by hiring someone her age to work in the office with her, so, between his constant babble about how it wouldn't work and the new guy playing her, his plan worked.

After moving out, a short three months later, realizing she had made a mistake, she wanted back. But I had my belief that when love starts it should never end.

I waited twelve years before I took the plunge again. During that time I fished 4-5 times a week since I live close to the water. On the road after work to the bay and home to bed, looking forward to that next day into night on the water, alone with my thoughts, making friends with a local now and then. And every weekend all day long.

There is nothing more constant or comforting than the feeling you have when you're one with the water, the sun below the horizon, and the colors of clouds bringing on the night.

I have since married, she however hasn't found what we had.

My fishing now is with my bud or alone. I understand what you're searching for. I miss those nights fishing with that girl on the beach, but that's what memories are for. We still keep in touch.

Hope you find what you're looking for someday soon.

kiss.gif

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date a steelhead guide and buy a waterbed!

 

Seriously, very interesting read. I have dated a few girls with deep passions, but most of these passions revolved around shopping.

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Tammy, when are you going to submit this for publication! Ya gotta do it!

 

PS...I got lucky and found my soul-mate. We don't always see eye-to-eye; but, he doesn't mind putting up with the sympathy he gets from guys that say, "Too bad you have to fish with your wife!"

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Tammy, very good, you know when I told my wife about this love she laughed.Sometimes opposites attract, works for me, GOOD LUCK.2ND WIFE , least I GOT IT RIGHT NOW.

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Tammy,

I'm with Sudsy and the rest of the folks...

That is a tale to be published for sure.

I, not being you, can't know what you are feeling, but I can identify with said tale. I think your story will touch many and may perhaps answer some unknowns for a few.

I kiss your hand fair lady and wish you happy fishing in your dreams and when you wake.

CD

p.s. You did finally go to bed, right? biggrin.gif

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