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Robert Williams

Crude, tasteless and offensive jokes.

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he cant believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

 

Excuse me do I know you? he asks. Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids she says.

 

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says *******g hell are you the bird I shagged at my bachelor party, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?

 

No she replies I'm your sons English teacher!

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People are calling the Colorado ballon stunt a hoax. Hell they're thinking of throwing the Dad in Jail.

 

But I know the truth.....

 

It was Michael Jackson ordering takeout in heaven.

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View PostPeople are calling the Colorado ballon stunt a hoax. Hell there thinking of throwing the Dad in Jail.

But I know the truth.....

It was Michael Jackson ordering takeout in heaven.

 

 

Now THAT's funny!!!

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During science class Johnnys teacher was listing body parts. At one point she asked if any of the students knew what a penis was. Johnny started waving his hand franticly "I do, I do, my daddy has two of them!" The teacher says, "Two, thats impossible." Johnny replies, "no its not he really does. He has a small one to pee with and a big one to brush mommies teeth with."

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View PostDuring science class Johnnys teacher was listing body parts. At one point she asked if any of the students knew what a penis was. Johnny started waving his hand franticly "I do, I do, my daddy has two of them!" The teacher says, "Two, thats impossible." Johnny replies, "no its not he really does. He has a small one to pee with and a big one to brush mommies teeth with."

 

 

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAcwm27.gifcwm27.gifcwm27.gifcwm12.gifcwm12.gifcwm12.gifcwm12.gif ............................

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an oldie but still a goodie to me,

 

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies,

"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

 

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says,

"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies,

"Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

 

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says,

"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

 

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies,

"Don't f--- with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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View PostPeople are calling the Colorado ballon stunt a hoax. Hell they're thinking of throwing the Dad in Jail.

 

But I know the truth.....

 

It was Michael Jackson ordering takeout in heaven.

 

That's not right in so many ways...

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A Group of scientists and a tour guides are walking through a jungle exploring.

0ne scientist and one tour guide gets separated from the group. They both are really scared as they know there are Indian tribes that kill outsiders. They both are walking for hours when they were eventually spotted by one of the tribes. Both men are extremely terrified as they think they are going to Die.

They are brought to the Indians village and are told they have two options

 

option 1) Death

or

option 2) Uga Uga

 

They both think to themselves and both agree that they don't want to die. So they eagerly choose Uga Uga as they have no idea what it is and nothing is as bad as Death. All of the men in the village were all excited as Uga Uga meant they would all bang the outsiders.

 

Three years went by and they both were back in the same jungle. Same thing happens, Same two got distracted and both were lost. Same tribe finds them and the same options were given.

option 1) Death

or

option 2) Uga Uga

 

They both thought to themselves and both did not want to ever experience that again and decided to choose Death.

The tribe chief saysNO Uga Uga first.

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A couple of gay men are sitting in a jacuzzi sipping wine and chatting.

 

All of a sudden, a dollop of creamy white stuff floats to the surface of the hot tub.

 

"oh, gross" the one says.... "who farted?"

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