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alaskansteve

a few yokes for all you squareheads

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Subject: Ole and Lena

 

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a

lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian.. and my name isn't Valter."

~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had

brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train

entered a long dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No," replied Lars.

"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite

and vent blind!"

~~~

"Hey, Sven," said Ole. "How many Swedes does it take to grease a

combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you

run them through real slow."

~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were

nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena

said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.

~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he

grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight

insurance!"

~~~~~~

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian

and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

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Ole drives across the fiord to seek the help of his friend Sven. "Sven, i tink Lena is cheating on me wit dat b@stard Lars". Sven says "no vay Ole, Lena is da good wife". Olen and Sven go inside for a drink and Sven cheers Ole up. They come outside and look across the fiord and see Lars driving up to Ole's house and going inside. Ole says "you see dat sven? i telled you. i vant you to go inside and get you rifle vit da telescopic site" Sven comes out with the rifle and Ole says "Sven, look through da telescopic site and tell me what you see" Sven says "ya, dat Lars is going into da house. He goes and hugged Lena and dey are going up de stairs" Ole becomes infuriated and says "I vant you to tells me everything Sven. what is dey doing now" Sven says "i cant tell you Ole, but its not good" Ole screams in rage "Sven... I want you should shoot dat b@stard right in the b@lls and dat cheating wife of mine right in da head" Sven looks at Ole confidently and says "oh ya, no problem Ole... i get dem wit one shot"

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Sven noticed that Ole has a sign up in front of his house: "Boat for Sale."

He goes into the house, and says "Ole, you don't got no boat. All you have is your old tractor and that rusty Studebaker."

 

Ole says "Yah, and they're boat for sale."

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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vhy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da jokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

 

 

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Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark this spot so we can come back and catch more fish." Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back tomorrow to catch more fish. Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going to get da same boat tomorrow?"

 

 

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Ole and Lena were going to get married. They went to the doctor for their pre-marital physicals. The Doctor was examining Lena and noted what a strapping, strong young woman she was. He said, "Lena, with shoulders like those, you could play with the Green Bay Packers". She said, " Yimmeny, I'm a gut girl. I only play with Ole's packer".

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There was a sandwich machine in a gas station Sven and Ole stopped at on the way home from fishing. Sven didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and paid his $1.50 and got one sandwich. He was surprised, and paid another $1.50 to the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.

Ole came out of the restroom and was wondering what Sven was doing. "Sven, don't ya tink ya should stop now," asked Ole.

"Criminy jeez," replied Sven, "Not now! I'm yust starting to win big!"

 

 

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Last one........

 

Sven and Ole got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

 

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the

pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and

the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane

as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle

the load and crashed a few moments after take-off.

 

Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any

idea where we are?"

 

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last

year.."

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