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powerof1004

good begining to a story?

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Lightning crashed as Xavier Staffer gazed outside the window from his barren two story domicile. There was a girl standing outside the door, so drenched that her skin refused to accept any more the water that the heavens were pouring. Xavier started. He rarely had any visitors to his forsaken house. He was a turtle, went into hiding when anything because too personal. But that was to be expected. He was a cop after all. Curiously, Xavier started down the stairs. He threw a glance around his house, examining if it was presentable. There was half a pizza open on the kitchen table and his gun and badge on the rack next to the door. He sighed to himself. He needed a maid but he never got around to it. Just then the door opened inwardly with a bang. There was the girl. Her almond eyes and jet black hair betrayed her heritage even though there was a tight ski mask around her mouth and nose. She made a striking contrast as her shadow flickered behind her as another lightning strike impaled the ground. She was wearing a pair of white gloves, the pair that surgeons use. Xavier exclaimed "Who are you? How did you open the door?" She gave Xavier a blank look and then without another word, took his own gun from the table and pointed it at Xavier. Xavier, with all his police training, could not move his athletic body. There was a smile in the girl's eyes as she pressed the trigger.

 

 

feedback?

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btw, I have no taste. I read sociology type stuff or how to type stuff. I dont read fiction. If youre honestly asking, it seems forced to me. Like you searched out a more fanciful way to say everything you could and it comes off as phoney and eager.

 

writing is hard though and it looks like youre taking it seriously so good luck in your efforts and kudos.

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View Postbtw, I have no taste. I read sociology type stuff or how to type stuff. I dont read fiction. If youre honestly asking, it seems forced to me. Like you searched out a more fanciful way to say everything you could. writing is hard though and it looks like youre taking it seriously so good luck in your efforts.

 

Would you read a fiction book if it contained midget mutant ninja's??

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It was a dark and stormy night. So far so good....

 

A good looking girl shows up in the rain BUT skin does not absorb water.

 

Then we have a Turtle who is a Cop??

 

And the girl wants some turtle soup to warm her up?

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View Postid sure as hell watch the movie biggrin.gif

 

How about midget football players in a line dance? Sorry best I can do on short notice. Though I know I have a midget wrestler skidding face down, feet up all the way across the mat somewhere in my bag of tricks:

 

1802.gif

 

But seriously, it seems a good start.

Passages and adj seemed force, little tough in the flow department.

 

Maybe using the space key a bit to break the sections may help you visualize it more, allowing you to examine each part and then help with your word pattern to smooth it out.

 

The more you work on it, the better it'll get.

 

But then again what do I know, I'm a grunt.

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