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Dead Voter Turnout

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In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."


Hannibal Lecter

In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress. Laika the Space Dog


I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.

Jerry Garcia


Screw Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often! Paul Wellstone


Its so fun I'm voting twice! The notion that dead people invariably turn into staunch Democrat voters regardless of their prior convictions has become so deep-rooted in the Americans psyche that a new expression has come to life lately - as in "Haven't you heard? He fell from the barn and is now voting Democrat." This kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election." Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare. Says Democratic contender Bob Casey JR: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"


Average voter:

"From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."

"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen. "This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base." Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"

Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter. "Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"


"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Goodâ„¢. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."

Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Goodâ„¢, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."

In other news:

Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants

"It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics

Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students

"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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