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jerseycat9

Good Irish joke

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Beins how Im Irish 100% I couldnt help myself

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

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"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your

trousers?"

"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty

comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea

pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes

another one!"

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Despite being English, i can take a joke so here's one of my favourites from a friend from Belfast :

 

An Irishman walks into an English pub, orders a pint and then sits quietly sipping his Guinness minding his own buisiness.

 

He finishes the peaty nectar,goes up to the bar and in a loud voice says to the landlord " the drinks are on me for everyone".

 

The landlord duly obliges and the drinks are passed out to the rest of the pub. The Irishman pays and turns to go, then as he reaches the door an English guy stops him and says "thanks Paddy, that must have cost you a bomb"

 

The Irishman looks at him dead in the eye and says very quietly " well thats lucky son, there's one under the table in the corner" and walks out.

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of

their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy

vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The

Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink

some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and

drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them.

But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

The next joke is a personal fav:

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still.

He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm

worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey.

Just to calm my nerves."

So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the

mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a

storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note

on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as

Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say

"He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this

and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks

for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,

not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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1.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as

Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say

"He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this

and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks

for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,

not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

 

 

 

funny chit here........................

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the rest- cwm33.gif

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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus

was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery

and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up

from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,

"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's

to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who

the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned

old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm

married to yer sister."

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Steve and three of his buddies had gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral procession drives by. As it passes by, Steve lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Steve sits down, puts his hat on and casts out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "Wow Steve,that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by. " Steve replied, " It seems the least I could do seeing as how I was married to the woman for over 40 years!"

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's

obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word

and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She

thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two

dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he

thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no

charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete

died. Boat for sale"

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