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  1. for selling golden tickets to heaven. This is Tito and Amanda Watts. Yes, his name is Tito. Tito and Amanda Watts, a Florida couple pictured below, were recently arrested for selling several hundred "golden tickets to Heaven" for $99.99 a pop. As you might have discerned, the items were later discovered to be fraudulent. The duo, who sold their divine product on the street, told buyers that the tickets were made of solid gold and guaranteed the purchaser a spot in heaven. Yep. Simply present the golden ticket at the pearly gates and you’re good to go. How you would take said ticket with you, we have no clue, but this wasn't how Tito and Amanda Watts crossed the line from ridiculousness into illegality. “People can sell tickets to heaven,” a Jacksonville police spokesman said. “But the Watts' misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with 'Ticket To Heaven - Admit One’ written in marker." "You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not," the spokesman added, and "that’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.” You learn something every day. Police said that upon arresting the Florida duo, they also confiscated $10,000 in cash, five crack pipes and a baby alligator. Tito Watts, who is clearly 100 percent of sound mind, said in a statement: "I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold." "It ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space." "I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine." "You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free." "So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them." "I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…" Good to know, Tito. His wife, Amanda Watts, said in her own statement: "We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched." There you have it. More profound words have likely never been spoken.
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