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A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives.

"What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring."

Then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f-ck herself."
 

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Beaver

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

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On 10/9/2017 at 8:59 AM, 2mcfisher48 said:

Beaver

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

:squid::laugh: 

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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body.."   He did not say, "Eat me."

12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

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Posted (edited)

Senior Drivers No Longer Need Driver's License

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing

through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.""You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer,

cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, '

You won't need this anymore'.

  So I thanked him and left!"

Edited by leakin waders

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